Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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