I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
