mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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