About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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