the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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