Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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