Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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