I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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