Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
