so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
