NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
