pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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