What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
