He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
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literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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