Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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