i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
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