I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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