My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?