Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.