I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
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I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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