You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
