Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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