My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
