it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...