Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
