the new term for farting is butt boxing.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
and she was petting her beer can
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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