u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
