if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
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i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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