What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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