that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Randomize
