just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
