I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
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I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.