u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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