dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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