Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina