his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.