I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
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He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.