Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
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He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
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New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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