I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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