Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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