Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
