I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
