My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
