Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.