Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
