It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
