I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your mankini haunted my dreams.