franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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