My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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