Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
