ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
